


Give it a Name

by kipnotize



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Asexual, Asexual!Levi, Confessions, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Eren Yeager, Insecure Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), M/M, Miscommunication, Nonbinary Hange Zoë, On a very extreme scale, these poor children, touch-repulsed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-17
Updated: 2016-07-17
Packaged: 2018-07-24 15:53:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7514255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kipnotize/pseuds/kipnotize
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Levi is in love and doesn't quite understand that it's okay to be himself, Eren needs to get better at reading between the lines, and neither dork seems to be able to properly communicate with each other. </p><p>Touch-repulsed and asexual Levi, on a very extreme level.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Give it a Name

**Author's Note:**

  * For [whitesilverandmercury](https://archiveofourown.org/users/whitesilverandmercury/gifts).



 

I wasn't quite sure when he had showed up- none of us were. Hange would claim that he had turned up just on time, but that pile of shit practically steams with how excited they get to answer a question, so their answers should never be taken too seriously. Erwin would preach about how the exact moment didn't much matter in the end, but once you manage to look past the blond caterpillars sitting on his brow it's clear that's a load of bullshit. He's just too goddamn proud to admit that he doesn't know, either.

And so Eren was there, an average idiot, an essential part of our lives, and none of us could quite recall when he had so purposefully wormed himself there. I had memories of before him, of course, but your brain would have to have been flooded with one too many dunks down the toilet to even consider remembering middle school, so I did my best not to recall those years. The dumbass himself argued that he hadn't even approached our group until we were Juniors in high school, but even over a cup of tea to jog my memory I couldn't remember a single stupid Homecoming in which he didn't have the misfortune of accompanying me.

That may just have been because I wouldn't have bothered to show up to the hormonal grinding pit in the time before him, but no reason to shit the small stuff.

Either way, my first conclusive memory of him was Sophomore year, directly after winter break had come to a close. He was a transfer student from Germany, shared exactly no classes with me, and was the most stunningly gorgeous boy I has laid eyes on. Although I'm positive I must have spoken to him at some point (I refuse to believe I just watched him like a fucking creep for the rest of the year), I have no recollection of it.

"Y'know, you could always just ask him to a movie or something." A glare at Hange, the swift turning of my head away from where Eren was sitting across the cafeteria.

"The movie theater? What the fuck do you take me for, a pig? Like hell you could make me set foot in one of those nasty-ass cesspools of filth." Eren got up from his seat, threw away his trash, and I wondered over what kind of movie he would enjoy.

Junior year, first day of school, and the object of my pointless affections asked to join us at lunch. His friends all had a different lunch hour, but he recognized us from the Chemistry class we all share, and I suddenly felt absolutely rotten from the inside out.

"Do what you want, kid." The words were spit out in a haste that I attempted to mask with irritation, but I could feel Hange's elbow digging into my ribs as they made it perfectly clear I hadn't gotten away with it. Eren sat down anyway, on my other side, and gave me an odd look when I flinched away from the place where our shoulders had accidentally brushed as he situated himself.

And then he was there, constantly, in our lives, and none of us bothered to distinguish how or when it happened. The only reason the fateful first meeting is remembered is because he himself enjoys small silly details like that. Details such as meetings and partings, first dates and breakups, and the exact year for important historical events. This made him the biggest gossip queen I could have ever had the displeasure of meeting, but also the most splendidly handy study partner.

Study dates became real dates, and I made him wash his hands three times after he convinced me to see a movie with him at the local theater. His laugh was as obnoxious as his constant shouting, and it made my heart swoop in a way that was almost nauseating. It should be noted that symptoms such as nausea can come from an infectious disease, and often I found myself bothered with laughing along with him.

("Yes, Hange, laughter can be considered a disease. How the fuck else could it cause dizziness and aching? It's obviously not a friendly phenomenon.")

Still, though, still, I didn't tell him. How could I? And so I didn't.

"Are you absolutely positive we can't take a couple picture together? Not even one?" I snorted, crossing my arms, and leaned back against the park bench we were sitting on with the intent to watch the sunset (his idea, obviously- I was persuaded with the promise that I could wipe the bench down with disinfectant wipes).

"What's the point in taking a picture like that?" Eren worried his bottom lip between his teeth, trying to decide whether my question was rhetorical or not. It was, but that had never stopped him from answering before.

"So we can have memorabilia of closeness?" I felt my skin crawl at the word choice, but I swallowed my heart and kept my gaze straight ahead. Of course there was a real reason I didn't want to let him take the stupid picture, but I was loath to admit it, so I omitted it and focused on what he had said instead.

"That implies that we won't be close in the future, in which case we won't give two shits about having a fucking souvenir." I saw the brunet shift uncomfortably beside me from the corner of my eye, but I ignored it. It was easier to focus on the solid couple inches between us, and so that was what I did. "Besides, you never asked for this shit before Thomas started kissing your ass daily."

"Don't- Levi." He drew my name out into a whine, and I had to strengthen my resolve before I turned my head to meet his eyes. "That's not what I meant and you know it. As for the Thomas bit, well, I've always kind of wished you'd let me take pictures of us. Convenient timing and an Insta post could also cue him in that I'm very taken."

I turned my head to face the setting sun again, moving my hands to sit clenched in my lap. They were starting to shake, and my chest was starting to ache, and I _couldn't tell him_.

"We have pictures of us. The glasses-clad devil has made sure of that." Eren tried to inch closer to me, and _shit_ he thought that would make things better, would make me give in. I tried to be discreet about keeping the space between us.

"You want me to post pictures of us walking home from school taken from an obscure tree or something else completely stalkerish-y?" I swallowed, taking a deep breath. It wasn't about posting the stupid picture anymore, never had been, but we all needed our excuses.

"If the idiot concerns you that much, you can just fucking tell him- you don't need to spam him with pictures of us. It's not necessary, shit head." I snuck a glance at the taller boy from the corner of my eyes, but the sight that greeted me was enough to make me avert my gaze again. He was looking at me like I'd imagine a stupid puppy looks at the person who's supposed to feed it, but I wasn't some fucking caretaker. Not now, not ever.

"I've tried! I have!"

"What kind of whopping pile of steaming shit doesn't back off after being told that their goal isn't single?"

"The kind that doesn't believe it!" His voice had raised to be loud enough that the following silence was deafening, and I couldn't quite hide how badly my hands were shaking now. I felt him try to reach out to me, try to get closer, try to apologize without using words. I shuddered. "He says..." He trailed off, voice significantly quieter now, and the arm that had been reaching out to me dropped to his lap. "Well, he doesn't think we really act like a couple."

And there it was, the admission I knew was coming, and yet still the words that would explain everything were stuck somewhere far down my throat. _I_ _couldn't tell him_.

"Do you think so, too?" There was only silence at my whispered question, and I let out a shuddering breath. I nodded, once, twice, a third time, and then got up abruptly. I turned to face the brunet, though I didn't meet his eyes, and stuffed my still shaking hands into my pockets. Eren watched me warily, guiltily, but he made no move to correct me. I didn't expect him to. "Goodnight, Eren."

And then I left, and Eren watched the sun set beneath the horizon by himself, the sky bleeding oranges and reds as he watched and watched and never once came after me.

Dates became study dates once more, and no one commented when Eren chose to sit across from me rather than next to me like he had all year at lunch. We were exactly the same, though, in the end, because Eren had been right: we didn't act like a couple.

Not for lack of effort on the brunet's part, oh no, there was enough of that. But I had a shit excuse prepared for every situation, and so I never told him the one thing I should have.

After all, how could I? How could I possibly tell anyone how my skin crawled when touched, how I felt ready to chuck up my most recent meal when there was an attempt of intimacy I ended up in the middle of?

I really did throw up, too, when I passed by Eren and Thomas making out greedily against the lockers a month later. Erwin found me in the bathroom, kneeled over and rocking back and forth and disgusted by the smell but still dry heaving. He didn't attempt to touch me, knew better, but he sat nearby and didn't expect me to voice my gratitude when he locked the main door of the bathroom to keep others out. My chest felt as if someone had set something on fire inside of it, and even days later and many times brushing my teeth frantically I couldn't seem to rid myself of the rancid taste. It was always there in the back of my mouth, the horrid realization that even if I was given a second chance I could never give Eren what he wanted.

I didn't know to stop Hange before it was too late, though, before I stopped seeing Eren and Thomas together in any situation and Eren was crawling through my bedroom window at two in the morning on a Saturday night.

"You didn't come with us to the premiere today." His words were hushed, and I was only just awake enough to have the voice of reason persuading me to pull my sheets up to cover (a majority of) my hips and torso. It was harder to ignore the wandering eyes than the darkness would suggest, but clearing my throat had his eyes darting back up to meet mine.

"I told you idiots I didn't want to come." It didn't mean anything and he knew it- I always said I didn't want to tag along, but I always seemed to show up anyway.

"I'm... I'm worried about you, you know." I felt my cheeks flush, and I searched for somewhere else to look in vain. Even in the darkness, he really was beautiful. "Hange told me. That you were sick the other day." I stiffened, eyes widening before I found myself lashing out at the nearest object- my pillow.

"Traitor!" The single word came out as a hiss, both of us still pretending there was good in staying quiet although Eren had already raised hell trying to break into my room. I registered Eren flinching, but I ignored it. They told him, they told him I fucking barfed up the already disgusting cafeteria lunch right there in the middle of the school. They told him I couldn't even handle seeing him suck face with someone who shouldn't even matter to me.

"I didn't... I didn't want to break up with you, Levi." It was my turn to flinch, but it quickly turned into a shudder, and soon I was shaking near uncontrollably. I didn't need to hear this, I couldn't, not when I couldn't afford to be given hope now.

"Okay." We sat in heavy silence for a few heartbeats, Eren waiting for me to expand upon that one word, but I didn't dare to.

"Levi, please... I need to know if you still care about us." His hand was hovering dangerously close to my shoulder, as if to comfort, to convince, but I pulled away. There was another silence, and then Eren let out a heavy sigh. "I'm sorry I misunderstood. I already- I already broke up with Thomas. So you know. I didn't really... I needed an outlet, you know? But I didn't..."

"You were with him because you were fucking horny and upset? Shit, you shouldn't bother raising someone's hopes and expectations if you're only in it for some shallow fucking reason like your goddamn hormones." My voice had raised a bit in volume, but it dropped again as I let all the repulsion I felt in that moment filter out through my next words: "It's disgusting."

Eren's breath caught, and somewhere from very far away I recognized that his irregular breathing was the result of silent tears. I didn't look up at him, but I got up and fetched the tissue box for him when he started to sniffle.

"I'm- I'm sorry, Levi, whatever I did- please, please, I'm so sorry..." I kept my eyes trained on my hands, kicking the trashcan towards him as he blew his nose. He was crying in earnest, now, all attempts to remain quiet abandoned, and I sent a silent prayer to whatever deity would listen that my Uncle wouldn't bother getting up to tell us to shut up.

"Don't apologize for something if you don't know what you're saying sorry for." There were more muffled sobs, and it became increasingly difficult to ignore how my heart ached and pulled and screamed at me to console him. "I don't hold anything against you."

"Am I- am I not attractive? Am I not appealing to you? Are you even attracted to guys at- at all? I don't-" his words were lost behind his tears once more, and I listened quietly as he blew his nose again and dropped a couple tissues into the wastebasket.

"You're beautiful." I was almost surprised he heard the soft words between his own cries, but from the way his breath hitched and he leaned closer to me I knew he had.

"Then am I- am I-" he rubbed furiously at his eyes, but the tears didn't slow. "I don't _know_! What do I need to do, what do I need to be for you? Anything, anything, please..." Fuck, fuck, I could already feel my skin itching, but I needed to, for him...

I reached out slowly, hand brushing lightly against his cheek, tear stained and blotchy. He seemed to freeze up before he collapsed all the weight of his head into my hand, letting out a shaky breath. I felt nausea rolling in the pit of my stomach, felt sweat beginning to bead across my forehead and dampen my neck, but I kept my hand in place. Just this once, just this once for Eren...

"Never think you're inadequate. Never." He met my eyes with hesitance, as if he was scared that my face would betray something else, and I licked my lips and continued. "I make a lot of bullshit excuses, but know that, at least. You of all fucking people deserve it." I drew my hand back after that, trying with all my willpower to make the effort appear unhurried. I felt positively dizzy with the effort of keeping from heaving up whatever was in my stomach, but the look on Eren's face was worth it.

"Then... Then why?" I swallowed, then swallowed again and dropped my gaze. I knew I still couldn't tell him, but I wasn't so selfish that it was a matter of pride or some other fucked up motive. The words simply wouldn't form, wouldn't come up, and if I forced them now I knew I wouldn't be able to hold a resemblance of composure.

"You were unhappy with it." I didn't bother to specifics what 'it' was- me, our relationship, it was all inclusive.

"No, no, Levi, I was so happy, I was so- so _happy_ with it, with you..." I was shaking again, and I screwed my eyes shut with the effort of stoping the hope from taking form.

"You said-"

"I didn't say anything! I said, I said _Thomas_ said, and I know I should have spoken up but I just wanted some kind of fucking signal that- that I was okay, that I was doing it right, and- and- and-" His wet blubbering came to a halting stop, and I knew if I opened my eyes he would be looking at me as if I were the entire world to him. He always had, always, and _fuck_ it hurt... "You never seemed to, y'know, to really care..."

If my heart wasn't already broken, it shattered then, the shaky breath I drew in simply blowing it to pieces. I opened my eyes, still shaking and scared and sweaty, and I was right. He was watching me as if there was nothing more precious. "I did."

"I know, I know now, and I'm so fucking _sorry_ for doubting you, I'm so sor-I'm so sorry!" He was rubbing hopelessly at his eyes again, sniffling and trying half heartedly to make use of the tissues but generally failing.

"I don't hold anything against you, Eren. I never did." I had barely finished speaking when he flung himself at me, his arms wrapping tightly around my waist, and I felt his still damp face push into my neck.

I shuddered, mind hazing over, sweat putting a sheen on my chest that made the sheets stick uncomfortably, and felt absolutely repulsed.

I let him stay there, though, even going so far as to force myself to bring one hand up to pat at his back briefly before letting the arm fall once more. I couldn't be what he needed me to be for him, but fuck, I loved him, and so I could pretend I was anyway.

I didn't go to school the next day, instead scrubbing myself raw in the shower and spending the day trying to sleep away the feeling of skin-on-skin. Kenny didn't bother to convince me to attend school, not even bothering to call me out on my bullshit excuse of having a cold. Perhaps because I really did look sick.

Either way, Eren and I were back to being a couple, and I was breathtakingly happy, even if I only managed to express it by being less violent towards Hange on the occasional day.

Unfortunately, said freak was also the first to notice that I had stopped eating much during lunch, that I felt too nauseous to stomach anything more than Eren's arm around my waist, and while I was able to brush it off to my boyfriend as a bug I had caught, my older friends weren't so gullible.

"You don't eat much, anymore, Levi. Careful, or you'll have a difficult time keeping up with that hot bod you're so proud of." I scowled, scribbling furiously at the book report that was the supposed reason Erwin had had Hange and I over.

"Not hungry." I kept my eyes trained on the paper as I said it, though I could feel my friends' eyes on me.

"Is that so..." I braced myself at the sound of Mr. Big Blond Bastard humming thoughtfully, knowing he could be even worse than Hange when it came to my personal life. "That wouldn't have anything to do with the way you let Eren touch you, would it?" I shuddered, and the tip of my pencil snapped.

"Levi, sweetheart, you can't just let him do that to you if it affects you so negatively..." I finally glanced up, meeting Hange's eyes.

"Let him do what? Have a happy relationship with me?" Hange let out a long breath, crossing their arms.

"Doll, daily suffering does not make a happy relationship. Neither does pretending you're okay." Hange paused, glancing at Erwin before continuing. "We won't tell him for you, but he needs to know one way or another. One of these days he's going to try to play a bit of tonsil hockey with you, and you'll have a bit of a hard time playing off being unresponsive with that one."

I brought a hand up to run my fingers through my hair, remaining silent, and the conversation came to a close.

That didn't mean they weren't right, though, and it wasn't even a full week after that shit conversation that I caught Eren looking at me as if he had been caught in a dream. His eyes were glazed over, his fingers twitching every once in a while in my direction, and when he bothered to look elsewhere it was to glare at the space between us distastefully. As much as I tried to give Eren what he wanted, I still needed breathers, as much as I hated myself for it. Setting the bowl of popcorn between us on his couch while we watched some dumbass movie was an easy way to get that.

Now, though, I could feel my heart begin to beat faster, and I knew I had reached the limits of how far I could pretend.

"Levi..." His voice was soft, his eyes sharp, and I was brutally reminded of how determined this shitty kid could be when he had his heart set on a goal. Eren moved the bowl of half-eaten popcorn to the coffee table in front of us, movements fluid, never shifting his gaze from me. My blood was running cold before his hand even reached me, and I knew I visibly shuddered when I felt the warmth of his palm curling around the back of my neck. "You're beautiful..."

Sweating, chilled, and positively nauseous, I became sickeningly aware that to anyone else, to someone normal, this would be a prized moment. If I wasn't a fuck up, if I had turned out like I should have, if only...

I swallowed thickly, and my gaze darted from Eren's eyes to his lips, close, too close, please don't make me do this, please please _please_ -

And then it was too late, and Eren was kissing me. His other hand had come up to rest on my hip, turning my body to angle towards his own as he leaned over me on the couch. I could feel the static between our bodies, could feel his warmth radiating off of him, and even with the thrum of repulsion that washed over me at all this I could only focus on his lips on mine. They were scalding hot on mine, and vaguely it occurred to me that my mouth probably felt like a dead fish on his own. Still though, he pressed ever closer, and my hands scrabbled desperately at the couch beneath me in an attempt to ground myself, to distract myself. I failed miserably, and I was left helpless with my eyes screwed shut so tightly colors flashed in my vision and a defective heart.

And then I felt Eren swipe his tongue against my bottom lip, felt a disgusting, germ infested slick blob of muscle prod against my mouth, and I was done.

My mind was too far gone to process what I was doing, but I needed out, needed out _now_ , and the next thing I knew I was panting heavily on the ground next to the brunet's couch, and the brat himself was staring at me as if I had grown a second head. I already missed the look of adoration, the look of pure desire, the look that had gotten me into this mess in the first place. Anything was better than Eren looking at me like he didn't know me.

His hand came up slowly to touch the red blotch on his cheek, and beneath the sensations of revulsion and sickness I could feel my palm sting with the distinct feeling of having hit something.

"Shit, shit, shit, _shit_! Fuck, Eren, I'm sorry, fuck, shit, I didn't mean to-"

"Are you okay?" My words were lodged solidly in my throat, and I stared at him in apprehension and bewilderment. That wasn't what he was supposed to say, that wasn't it, I was the one who fucked up, not him...

"I- I.. Fuck." I let my head fall into my hands, eyes falling on the way my chest was heaving and the unattractive pit stains I knew where completely visible to the brunet looking down at me.

"Levi, you have to tell me what's wrong, I can't help you if I don't know..." I swallowed, once, twice, and still I couldn't bring myself to tell him. Even now, even after I had slapped him and fled and revealed how repulsed touching him made me feel, I couldn't tell him.

"I'm fine, fuck, I'm sorry, forget that happened-"

"Absolutely not! Levi, you've been acting like I'm out to eat you alive ever since we got back together, and I don't know how to help you!" My mind buzzed with the effort of keeping tears from my eyes, but still I forced myself to raise my head to meet his gaze.

Pity. That was the only thing I could find in his eyes.

"I-I should go, I should leave now, fuck-" I was scrambling up and away before I could recognize my own words and actions, fight-or-flight instincts kicking in even though I was facing my own goddamn boyfriend. I was halfway to the door of his house when I felt his hand catch my upper arm, and I was once more at the mercy of my instincts as I jerked away and straight into the hallway wall.

"Levi, please-"

"No!" My shout echoed in the empty space between us, and I was still seeing spots from my collision with the wall. Fuck, I hope I didn't dent his wall, I can't even fucking walk properly- "shit, shit, I'm sorry, shit-"

"Stop apologizing, please, just tell me what's wrong- I want to help you, I'm so happy with you and I just want you to feel the same..." I felt my breath leave me as I sagged against the wall, turning so I could face Eren. He still looked confused, but the edge to his gaze had left his eyes, and _shit_ , he looked so in love...

I flinched when I felt warm fingers brush against my cheek, screwing my eyes shut once more, and I knew I must look like a fucking rabbit that had been backed into a corner, like prey with no place to run. His hand dropped from my face, and there was a silence as he waited for me to open my eyes. I refused.

"Levi, you're crying..." I flinched away from the sound of his voice, disgusted with myself and terrified that he was going to touch me again, but all that came were more gentle words. "Please just let me help you..."

"I've- I tried so fucking _hard_ Eren, I tried so hard for you-" I suppose I really was crying, because the words came out sounding gargled and choked. How mortifying.

"Tried what, Levi? You don't have to do anything special-"

"I do! I fucking do, because I saw you with Thomas-"

"Levi, I already told you I wasn't with Thomas because I had feelings for him-"

"Ex-fucking-actly! You- you need _that_ , and I tried- I tried so fucking hard-" There was silence, and a feeling of profound regret washed over me. What was I thinking, blubbering to Eren like an idiot, even after I had decided to be normal for him? Silence, silence, heavy and contemplative and I knew that it spoke volumes more than words could have in that moment.

That idiot never had been one for staying quiet for too long, though.

"Do you mean- like, the kissing?" I felt a renewed wave of nausea shake me at the memory of Eren's lips on mine, and I heard the brunet let out a shaky breath. "You said, back then, that you were disgusted I was with him because I was horny and upset. You weren't upset because I raised his expectations, were you?"

I barked out a few notes of harsh laughter, finding my legs to be shaky and allowing myself to slide slowly down the wall to sit on the floor. "I'm not that fucking selfless."

"You were- you were upset because you thought I would run to someone else if you couldn't, couldn't 'provide' for me, or something like that." His words had stopped talking on the lilt of a question, and I brought my knees up to my chest to rest my head on them. No one enjoys being called out on their shortcomings, and I was running out of places to hide. "You were upset because you knew you couldn't. 'Provide' if that's the word we're using. You knew you couldn't... Fuck, Levi, are you- are you ace?" I shuddered, and I knew this was it. There would be no second chance this time, and it was only now, only at the end when I could finally bring myself to tell him. I couldn't recall ever feeling more pitiful.

"Hange says it's probably 'touch-repulsed'." My voice was soft, but not with the tentative understanding that Eren's words had shrouded themselves with. No, my voice was just weak, weak and hopeless and horribly dead-sounding.

"Levi, fuck, why didn't you _tell_ me! Fuck, you shouldn't have had to, why the fuck couldn't I just pick up on the goddamn clues, it's so fucking _obvious_ now-" He broke off, and I waited for him to start accusing me of leading him on, of being fucking broken, there was no other way this had ever gone... "Shit, I am so sorry! I- fuck, I can't believe I've been forcing myself on you, that was so fucking _stupid_ of me, oh god I feel _awful_ , how _stupid_ could I be?"

This... This was new. It was new, which made it strange and unknown and somehow more scary than if he had just followed the same trend I was used to facing by now.

"I'm sorry." Eren dropped himself to sit in front of me, and his voice took on a slightly chastising tone.

"Don't you dare apologize, you idiot! Our communication sucks major dick, but don't apologize for something you can't control." I had raised my head to face him, but now I had to resist the urge to hide it again to mask my embarrassment and uncertainty.

"I tried to-"

"Levi, don't you dare think that you're inadequate. You of all people deserve that." I felt a shiver run down my spine as he echoed my own words back to me, the words that marked the beginning of my charade. Eren moved to sit next to me, but where he usually would have slung an arm around me he kept a solid space between us.

There was a long, long silence then, stretched so thin that at times I felt it would tear and I'd be thrust back into reality again. There was a part of me, the part that wasn't busy attempting to keep my pride intact while simultaneously drowning in unwanted emotions, that wasn't surprised. I mean, fuck, of course there were people who would be understanding. Seventeen years of life experience and two failed relationships had broken my confidence when it came to matters of the heart, and my outlook on life became jaded. More so, perhaps, than a lifetime of family issues and poor circumstances and cruel realities. That didn't mean that I was exempt from being placed at the mercy of the kind people in this world.

However, even with that vague understanding, I was having a shit ton of trouble accepting what Eren had said. I mean, how the fuck could I? I had seen him, seen him carnal and in need of something I could never hope to provide. Even if he said it was okay now, would it be okay a week, a month, perhaps even years from now? I mean, shit, if I could be cured, if I could be fixed, I wouldn't hesitate. But until then...

"I had a friend who was asexual before I moved here, you know." I started, unaware that I had begun to quake once more under the pressure of my own thoughts, and attempted to refocus on the brunet who was looking at me with such kindness. "She was a lot like you, all stoic and secretly lovable, and she said something to me once that I'll never forget. Do you know what it was?"

"Yes." Because I did, because there was only one thing that could've been said to make Eren's eyes grow so sad like that-

"She said, 'I wish I was normal'. She said, 'I've tried so hard to be like everyone else, and I can't do it'. I get the feeling that what she may have felt wasn't as extreme as what you've been fighting, but what I will say to you is the same." He paused, and I knew he was waiting for me to meet his eyes. Drawn in, drowning in the golden honey of his voice, I found myself complying. I almost started crying again at the sight of his eyes- he was back to looking at me as if I were the entire world, no doubt included. "There is no normal, and there's nothing wrong with you. I love you as you."

And there he was, saying those precious three words as if they were nothing, as if we had exchanged them numerous times, as if this wasn't the first time he had given them to me. As if he wouldn't have to face my response. How could one person be so fucking brave?

"No one's- no one's said..." I watched Eren's expression soften, but it wasn't with pity this time. No, this time, he just looked as if he was doing his best to embrace me in every way outside of the physical.

"I know. That's why I'm saying it now. I'm- I really am sorry that I made you go through all that if you didn't want to." He sighed, leaning his head back against the wall behind us and finally breaking the gaze between us. "I enjoy the tactile side of relationships, but that doesn't mean it's the only thing I'm in it for. I know you probably won't believe me, after Thomas, but would you please humor me and give me another chance to prove it to you?"

He was- he was asking _me_ for another chance, even though I was the one that deceived him and hit him and-

" _Yes_." I shuddered, closing my eyes and letting out a tired sigh. "Could you- fuck. Could you say it again?" The taller boy let out a soft laugh, but said nothing for a moment. And then:

"I love you, Levi. I have for awhile. I love you because you're understandable and kind and funny despite your literal shit humor. And now I love you because you're not one for touching, not despite it." I shuddered again, and I felt a betraying smile tug at my lips. _Because_ , not _despite_ , and shit did that make me happy.

"I- I... Me too." I don't know if I could ever say such committing words, not even to Eren, whom I really did love. Commitment meant more to lose, and even after being treated so kindly I couldn't quite convince myself that I wouldn't be given up on. Who wouldn't, when they were a hormonal, tactile teenage boy looking for a bit of action? But if Eren was being honest about wanting to prove himself to me, I would be an absolute fucking idiot to not give him a shot.

"Thank you, Levi, for sharing yourself with me. I promise to treat you better." There was no promise that things would be perfect, and I was grateful for that sense of realness.

No relationship was perfect, especially one as fucked up as ours. But Eren was sitting beside me, telling me he loved me, and smiling even though I knew he'd rather be pressed against me rather than simply watching from a short distance. It was absolutely terrifying, but I was thrilled, and I was happy with who I was for the first time since I was first told what a fuck-up I was.

Maybe, just maybe, people like me could find someone to have their happily ever after with, too.  
  
  


**_FINIS_ **

**Author's Note:**

> I want to be clear- there is a very wide spectrum for all kinds of different sexualities, romantics, and etc. Even within the specific classification of 'asexual' or 'touch-repulsed' there are a lot of different ways it affects people. I painted Levi on a very extreme scale of these things, but please do not take this as a one and only example and assume that all real life people who classify themselves as touch-repulsed react or even are affected like Levi in this story. If you yourself classify as touch-repulsed or asexual, and find that this doesn't represent you personally, please don't take this as an insult or attack in any way. No two people are the same, and that's A-OK :3


End file.
